you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
