I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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