Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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