please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
