Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
