So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
