she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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