Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
