yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
