I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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