I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often