Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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