Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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