i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
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The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.