I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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