whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
