SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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