I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
