walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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