would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
A bitchslap is in order.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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