Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
