just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
