a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
