when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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