So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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