My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
