if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
