Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
