i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
