the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
