I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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