i already hear my dad disowning me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
