Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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