she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
