You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
