Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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