i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
