Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
