Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
