Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
