Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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