I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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