It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
