Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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