I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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