a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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