my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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