So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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