I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
