Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
