I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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