You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
