I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
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I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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