mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
