You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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