He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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