you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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