i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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