you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
