gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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