Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
