When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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