1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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