we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
